The Average Person Swallows Eight Spiders In Their Sleep Each Year

Or was it every six months? Or four spiders? Maybe it was ten spiders for each lifetime? Yes, well, rest easy, folks. The chances of this happening are almost zero. Almost. Of course, this chain mail "fact" has been passed around so much that I've started to accept it as true. It doesn't really help that I hate spiders, and not in the "spiders are gross" kind of sense but in the "kill it! kill it with fire! kill it, I say!" kind. Well, sure they seem all cute and awesome behind their little glass cages and I could even get close enough to tap the glass and watch them get all disoriented. However, show me one running wild and free and I will flip the heck out. I don't really know how this fear of spiders took root within me, but maybe it has to do with the fact THAT THEY'RE FREAKIN' SPIDERS AND HAVE EIGHT LEGS AND ARE REALLY UGLY.

I'm sure you guys needed some form of visual representation to fuel your nightmares tonight. You're welcome. 

So now we have the back story all laid out, let me tell you about a particular incident two days ago. I was chilling on my bed, doing random stuff on the internet, when my throat decided to dry up and so I needed to get up, go downstairs and get a drink of water. Simple enough. It would be really dark down there, but I didn't really mind. Being scared of the dark is for little kids, yo! So anyway, I got up, started towards my bedroom door and stopped dead in my tracks. 

Not actual spider, but pretty close.

A huge brown spider the size of the palm of my hand and with legs longer than my fingers stared right back up at me as it sat near the bottom of the door. I was frozen in place. My life flashed before my eyes. Hnnnng! Heart attack right there. That spider looked straight out of the movie Arachnophobia. What if it lunged at me? What if it suddenly dashed all around the place? WHAT IF IT DECIDES TO EAT MY FACE? I decided there was no time to think about all the possibilities and it was actually time for action. So I did the bravest thing I could have done- I spazzed out, jumped up on the bed and started started crying for my mommy. Of course, she wasn't even here with me, but I was hoping through some miraculous form of divine intervention she would appear right there and squish that spider for me. That didn't happen. Figuring I couldn't really stay on my bed forever, I stood like five feet away and stretched my arms as far as they would go, and opened the door, hoping the giant spider would be crushed in between it and the floor. And as every little girl who dreams of becoming a princess and finding her prince Charming knows, our dreams just don't come true and you end up a bitter old cat lady. In my case, I ended up with the spider going into ninja mode and darting around the door super fast straight for my shoe rack. I know...what in the heck have I done?

I now have a huge spider chilling somewhere inside one of my shoes. Waiting for me, patiently waiting for the one who tried to kill it. Plotting revenge, fuming inside. 

I imagine it would look something like this, but you know, with less furry cuteness and more hairy hell spawn.

Therefore every time I grab a pair of shoes, I meticulously shine a flashlight into it, hoping to catch the spider before it can ambush me. But who am I kidding? If I ever do catch it, I don't have any logical plan of action and would probably just end up throwing the shoe at the nearest wall. And if that happens, the spider would probably be so pissed at me, that it would gladly crawl down my throat as I sleep. 

By the way, I researched a bit on the spider I've found and narrowed it down to it being a Huntsman spider. Of course, being the paranoid little sissy that I am, I searched if it was poisonous or anything. Nope. That's kind of a relief, although why the picture of the spider on that site I linked is wiggling is unknown to me. Also something baffling, this. Aaaand this. 

Keep on truckin',