Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A Cardboard Box. Because I'd Rather Think Of That Than Of You.

(Or how to tell if someone doesn't love you anymore)

Isn't love wonderful? It's something crazy, unexplainable, spontaneous, unpredictable and just downright awesomesauce. It makes you put on these reality-altering glasses that makes you think the one you love can do no wrong, and are near-perfect in every single way.

But sadly, love can fade, especially if you let it. And sometimes, there are these poor bastards left behind who are still being led on and have no clue that their significant other, who they've placed all high up on a pedestal, just doesn't love them anymore (and don't have much of a backbone to tell them).

But luckily, I am here to help! Here's just a couple of things that you need to look out for to know if your boyfriend or girlfriend both figuratively and literally hates your guts:

1. He/She is always busy.
This basically just translates to him or her wanting to avoid you at all costs. If you invite your girlfriend to go out, watch a movie, have lunch, or go hang out at malls and shizz (you know, whatever the cool kids are into these days) and she says she's busy watching paint dry, you'd better start re-evaluating your relationship. 

2. He/She appears to not want to be seen with you.
On the rare occasion that you absolutely HAVE to go out together (like if you're the only person within the first ten contact numbers on her phone who has a car and she needs a ride), she tries to maintain an at least two arm length distance from you at all sides, acts like you're not there, and jumps behind the decorative plants at malls when you see someone you both know. 

3. He/She treats you like crap around people.You love your boyfriend and introduce him to everyone like so: "Girls, prepare your ovaries and guys, you might want to prepare yourselves too, cause this guy's a supernova of hotness. He's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! He's one-of-a-kind! He's super special to me, and he's perfect! Like just perfect and wonderful and I can't even explain it gawd! Ehem. Anyway, this is my boyfriend. MY BOYFRIEND (In case, someone didn't hear) and I love him SOOOO MUCH LIKE REALLY." But when it's his turn, he goes:


You attempt to rectify the situation by scooching closer to your honey and attempting to wrap your arms around his body or plant a kiss on his cheek. All your efforts are promptly halted with his swift uppercut to your chin.

4. He/She lies to you
He says he has to go out and do some errands with his grandmother today. Okay. No biggie. But then you see him out with someone and confront him immediately. "You don't understand, sweetie! This is my ridiculously hot 19 year old grandmother!" he says. 

5. He/She starts seeing other people
You're sitting there on the couch (while watching your boyfriend play video games and any attempts to try and engage him in conversation ends with him giving you a death stare) and your boyfriend gets up to get a glass of water. Suddenly, his phone beeps and a notification pops up. He just got a text from "Shaniqua" and she said: "Hey sweetie. That tongue of yours is dynamite. Can't wait to see you again. XOXO" What the what! But he reassures you it's his dentist. No worries!

6. He/She is utterly repulsed by you
If any of the comments you hear from her about you include "Ewww.", "You disgust me" or "Good gawd! Stop breathing. It's so annoying!", then she probably doesn't love you anymore. Also, if you lean in for a kiss and she says kissing is kinda gross, but then proptly lets her dog (who regularly rummages in the garbage can) slobber all over her face.

So there you have it!  A simple guide to help the clueless of the clueless out there! If your bf/gf exhibits one or more of these points, then you're outta luck, bro. However, it's not the end of the world. Like they say, there are a whole lot of other fish in the sea! In the meantime, there's a box of tissues, pizza, high calorie ice cream and reruns of Friends to keep you company.

Hang in there,


  1. Good post, I'm sure loads of people need this advice right now!

  2. HAHAHA. This is hilarious! I agree with PurpleMist, loads of people need to read this.


do you have anything to say about the sugar-fueled shizz i have hastily posted above? don't hesitate! comment now!

(i just realized how infomercial-y that sounded. but hey, don't let that stop you from commenting!)