Thursday, February 10, 2011

only in the horror movies

This is the second part in my "only in the ___ movies" series. Now, I'm actually a big horror movie fan. There's just something about getting creeped out that appeals to me. Anyway, enough small talk, let us discuss all the things that only seem to happen in horror movies:

1) When you hear something in the attic, basement or anywhere else dark and creepy, you go and investigate alone.
"No problem, I got this."

At one point or another in any horror movie, there will always be this particular scene and as the character goes to investigate (with a baseball bat, of course, what else?), more likely than not, he/she will end up dead. Also, when they do so, they inexplicably call out: "Anyone there?" or variations of it. Geez, way to let the killer know where you are, genius. What were they expecting, a hearty: "Oh yeah, it's just me, your neighborhood serial killer, chilling down here, waiting to murder you."?

2) "Let's split up/I'll be right back"

"So once we get inside, we should all wander off on our own and far enough to not be heard"

This is actually related to number one. Why would any group want to split up? Well, sure, you will be able to cover a lot more ground but at the cost of your own frikkin' life! I'd rather we all formed a tight ball and explore in this manner. This way, there is a slim chance that the killer will be able to catch us off-guard or sneak up on us. Plus, there's strength in numbers (apparently no-one in horror movies realize this). Also, why does the phrase "I'll be right back" instantly grant you an assured death?

3) The excrutiatingly slow killer always manages to catch up with everyone else.

"I think I'll just walk slowly behind you and wait until you trip and- OH! There you go."

"I'm  walking down the street- LIKE A BOSS"

I seriously wonder how in the world the killers in horror movies catch up with their victims (who run at an oh-shizz-someone's-chasing-me-and-trying-to-kill-me speed) when all they do is walk as if are strolling through a park, admiring the flowers along the way. Either they must have the ability to be in two places at once, or they always take the shortcuts provided for them off-screen (rule number one in a killer's handbook: familiarize yourself with all the secret twists and turns of the neighborhood where you plan to go on a killing spree). I'll have to admit the victims make it a whole lot easier as well (especially the dumb big-breasted ones) when they stupidly trip and fall flat on their pretty little faces in the middle of a chase. Guess they should've learned how to tie their shoelaces after all!

4) The car will never start the first time you try.

"The killer's getting closer! OH GAWD! OH GAWD! OH GAWD!"

All cars in horror movies are crap and will always refuse to start the first time you try- especially when you are about to get killed. Then, it will miraculously roar to life when the killer is right next to your window or is already trying to break it. How convenient. Why do the cars in horror movies enjoy taunting their masters with their dull chug chug chug's?

5) The mirror/refrigerator/window scare.
"So, uhm. . .were you just standing there the whole time I was shaving my uh. . .mustache?"

I couldn't write something like this without including this little incident that always only seem to happen in horror movies. Whether while someone's looking for a midnight snack in the refrigerator, grabbing pills from the medicine cabinet, or simply looking out the window, you know there will be a jump scare right after the person does whatever the heck it is he or she is doing. I have also concluded that the killers in horror movies like waiting patiently for you to finish going through the leftovers in your fridge. Now see, they ARE considerate. 

6) Kids are (or are associated with) evil.

"I will eat your soul, you foolish mortal!"

It seems that in the horror movies, the only ones who can see or sense evil going-on's are the kids. In other cases, THEY are the cause of the evil going-on's. You can't deny the fact that they are insanely cute, though. "Oh lookit you with your cute wittle evil look" Also, no-one listens to them. All the adults run around trying to find solutions to their paranormal problems, all the while ignoring the kid holding the "Big Book of Overcoming Paranormal Problems 101.

So that's it for now. On an unrelated note, yes, I am actually still alive. I know I haven't been very active for about 4 days. School is being particularly mean to me right now. *sniffles* It's actually 3:30 AM and I have an exam later. I am pulling an all-nighter right now and to make matters worse, I realized earlier that I am all out of midnight goodies. I NEED MY SUGAR FIX, DARNIT!

Anyway, do you guys know of any other incidents that only seem to happen in horror movies?



  1. Ahahahahaa!! I loved the last one about children. They're all SOO TRUE! I love horror movies as well. :) It's my favorite genre. Then, it's romantic comedies. THEN comedies. THEN romantic. I don't like anything else. Haha.

  2. Yeah, kids get ignored, even though they are the most sensetive to all that stuff and probably know what's going on.
    ...they're still evil whatsoever, though

  3. I LOVED THIS! especially the part about how the killer seems like he's strolling through a park haha. and the Boss image. LOL.
    i laughed so much at this post.
    WHY OH WHY are people so dumb when faced with such situations? the ones who investigate spooky sounds alone and those who split up in large scary places and those who trip for no reason haha!

  4. "Oh yeah, it's just me, your neighborhood serial killer, chilling down here, waiting to murder you."?


  5. @Jodie-Ann: yay for us horror movie fans! haha.

    @Fang: evil or not, they're cute as heck. xD

    @Furree Katt: yay for loving this! haha. i know, right? haha. they do it so there would be an excuse to kill 'em off one by one.



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